Hey, I'm Gay.

What are the differences at the intersection of faith and sexuality? Being our open, honest, selves isn't always the easiest.

Hey, I’m gay. (or queer — which I use interchangeably.)

Those words would have taken everything out of me to say twenty five years ago in middle school, when I realized that how I am attracted to people is not the “norm.” (Let me tell ya, that discovery was a trip and a half, but that’s not what we are here for… Maybe in my next guest feature.) The reason I was afraid to come out was, in part, because I was raised Catholic. But more than that, it was because I witnessed the fallout from the gruesome murder of Matthew Shepard. Matthew lived only a few hours from where I grew up. He was a gay man who happened to be related to a student in my grade, making my fear more real.

I’m also agnostic.

Those words are STILL hard for me to say in a public space — especially this one (Oh hai internet) — and I believe the reason is, again, being raised Catholic but also because of my experience since moving to the Midwest (namely, South Dakota - the south of the north.) 

Growing up in Denver I don’t distinctly remember anyone, other than my immediate family, assuming my sexual identity. Though, at the time, it was still the norm to believe everyone was straight and cis. I also don’t remember anyone questioning my faith or spiritual beliefs. Sure, they could have known I was Catholic because my parents made that a prevalent aspect of our familial identity — weekly catechism classes, crucifixes in every room of the house, the sign of the cross before and after prayer at every meal, bedtime, and in the morning before school — but no one outside of that space would have known unless they intentionally asked or it came up naturally.

My exploration into what I believe is another deep dive I will save for another day, but it isn’t entirely dissimilar to my experience as a queer person. I just assumed everyone else was pretending like I was, until I realized they weren’t. Then I stopped pretending.

Much like the actual south (my dad is from Kentucky and I spent a fair amount of time there in my childhood), Sundays in the Midwest are treated as sacred, Christian holidays shut the town down, and people very openly have the confidence to pray for you without consent. Though, I will admit, the last five years have seen an increase in population from other cities and this has lessened, but the fact remains:

Coming out as non-Christian has been harder in the Midwest than coming out as a card-carrying, flaming, homosexual. (In my experience.)

The stranger in the bathroom who changed my world.

Back in December 2010, about a week before Christmas, some of my colleagues and I went out for margaritas on a Tuesday at Chevy’s, because discounts are for everyone. I went to the bathroom and was washing my hands when a stranger pulled up next to me and, because she’s midwestern, was compelled to fill the beautiful silence between us.

Her chosen introductory question? “So! What are you doing to celebrate Jesus’ Birthday next week!?” 

My heart stopped for a second hoping I misheard her, but I knew I hadn’t. I had my confident pants on that day, and I honestly wanted to try confident (redundant) atheism on low-stakes. So, as I turned to dry my hands I said, “I’m not. I don’t believe in Jesus. For me Christmas is a day off of work to spend time with the people I love.”

The look she gave me was one I had seen before, and many times since. The deer in headlights as she processed the possibility that maybe, just maybe, this person isn’t a Christian (but how tho?) and then the immediate fall - the fear - the masked fury across her face, she could have won an Oscar. After a beat she finished our connection with “Oh! Well, I will pray for you then,” and left without drying her hands.

You know what they say, “Atheists, they’re just like us, they even enjoy discount margaritas on Tuesdays!”

When I returned to my table I was rewarded with overhearing her recount the story to her friends. That is when I was hit by sadness. The hurt for not being accepted for who I am. And for knowing, though I wasn’t out as queer yet, she probably would have treated me differently if I had connected to her on her Christianity, even if I was wearing a shirt covered in sequins with the word “gay” across it.

I wish I could say this incident stands alone, but it doesn't. I allow people to believe what they want because it keeps them from diving into the reasons I should let Jesus into my heart. When I tell someone I am queer they accept it as fact. They decide whether or not they care to engage with someone who is gay and they move on. In contrast, when I share with someone that this kind, loving, and positive woman they’ve come to care about is not a Christian I often experience one of two things: I am someone to pity or a danger to them. It calls to question their belief of me and of what an atheist is, which can be super uncomfortable, and rarely do we move beyond that.

Sometimes I wonder if the discomfort is caused by the energy I radiate - leading with love and understanding - what Christians are supposed to be (from what I have been told). My close friends who are followers of Christ, or other deities, tend to be attracted to my community first mindset and we relate well in that way. They then, of course, have accepted me for who I am and not challenged me to follow their personal views which preserves the safety we have with each other.

In contrast, I am the epitome of gay. I love rainbows and glitter, my favorite band is Queen, and I hang a pride flag from every surface I possibly can! I have even been known to have an intimate relationship with someone of the same sex which I hear is *actually* what makes you gay, but the research is still out on that one. (Sarcasm.)

Though my experience may differ from yours, I am not here to convince you that your way of coping in this mad world is wrong, please offer me the same kindness. Remember that I am human, just like you, and I live a very loving and full life. I don’t need or want gods of any kind involved in that, though I appreciate and respect if you feel differently. Finally, I love you, even though I don’t love your god. 

Disclaimer: Not all Christians yada yada - some of my closest friends are Christian (tongue in cheek) and I know they’ll understand this is not about them.

More from Manda and Game Chest:

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I happen to be the owner of a little GAYme store in Sioux Falls. Straights, and Christians, are always welcome of course - safe space for ALL:

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